Midnight thoughts

12:11 am. So far, today, I've - rearranged the perspective of pie and bar graphs - enlarged bullet points - put together a shell model - and corrected pagination on a 10Q That's what a college degree from Wharton allows me to do, insert page breaks in a SEC document. Yippee. But I'm not bitter. The monotony of work kills enough of my brain cells so that I don't really have to think about all the other crap that's going on. I woke up today to the sound of conversation between my brother and a friend; I kept my eyes shut as they talked about me. It wasn't the accusatory tone, nor was it the topic of conversation regarding my private decisions that pissed me off. It wasn't the untruths - nope, it was the realization that my brother and I do not know each other at all, whatsover. And though I've tried all these years to breach that gap, I realized today that we approached things from different ways - I in my desultory manner that incorporates the worries of those I care about, and he in his invariable self-assuring isolated methods. And I give up. I'm sick of trying to build bridges that ends halfway. I suppose that while I do care about my family and my sibling, there comes a point where I need to find some substance in the things I do, and not in the things that I do for others. Caroline and I are parting ways, it seems (at least to me). Apparently there's a miscommunication, so this week, I'll have to reaffirm the fact. I suppose that I get tired of trying in this particular relationship also. I am not willing to put forth so much effort for so little satisfaction in return. It's gotten to the point where every week, there's a tear to patch up, an apology to issue, or a talk to identify the glaring problems that is gnawing at this relationship from it's weakening foundations. I get this lump, like a empty stone that weighs me down from the inside, every time I think about her - I listen to Lifehouse and every song belongs to us, and as I write, I think of more and more ways to describe the beautiful pieces of us that remains from the splintered feelings and memories. A part of me wants to give it another try, but the wiser part of me says that it's time to step back, to love from afar where the barbs don't hurt as much, and to keep the memories before they turn to illusions. I think she realizes the same thing, but I don't think that will lessen the sting any. She said she misses me today. I'm driving through the desert on empty but full of your pain I'm staring at the sun, and oh it's bright, bright like you There's nothing I regret, cause there's nothing to do But wake up tomorrow to find pieces that remain