the book of samsara

Some people achieve illumination when they're young, fresh to the battered and wearied world. Others grow old and touch the glimmer on their deathbeds. And some, like me, search for it, tantalize by the promise of knowing, touched by it like the melting of the sun on your face. It so happens that I'm wriggling out of the cocoon at the age of 25. Quarter-life and I'm finally beginning to see, to have the courage to realize what's always there. I don't want to go against the tide. I want to be satisfied in what I have, because I have more than what a lot of people have. A great job. Enough money. A place to live. But yet, there's this dull pain. A frustration. A tumor of want spreading in my insides. I can't help but feel the movement towards something other than what's here and now. There's got to be more to living then making money, earning enough to live, to purchase. Self worth is not measured in things. I seemingly have everything a person can have in their twenties. Good friends, good potential, good health. But I want more. I see friends settling down and working their way to greater positions and salaries and living standards. And I don't see the meaning in it all. I'm happy for them, the ones that have started businesses and will have made their millions in the next few years --- but yet, I can't be happy for myself. I see myself in 10 years, with a place of my own, with a senior position at a company somewhere, with family and the comforts of the 21st century... and I find no meaning in it. And still I'm looking for the grace of satisfaction, of being proud and happy with what my life is. 2005 was a year of stalling. If I didn't think about what I'm doing, maybe the questions will go away. But they didn't, and a job change and the acceptance of my place in the City didn't fill the gaping hole inside. So 2006? It'll be a crazy year. A breakout year from 20 years of thinking a certain way and behaving a certain way. What people feel is important is not so important to me. It only took my 25 years to find that out. To accept. I want to feel the joy of creating, of teaching and helping others. I want the excitement of new faces and places and ideas. I want the fulfillment of growing and learning, of self-completion. I certainly don't know how things will turn out, but maybe it's time to turn inwards and see who I am --- and not see who I should be.